Sulphino #1: Anger and Regret

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Sulphino” Sulphino@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Re: Anger

My Dear Sulphino,

A word of encouragement and a word of warning.

First, allow me to congratulate you on the little incident yesterday when your patient became annoyed and impatient with her young child. While the chipped plate that resulted after she slammed it onto the counter may not be a significant boon to Our Father Below, the angry words that sprang from her lips were, indeed.

Of course, you must be on guard for the possibility that the patient, upon later reflection, will regret her behavior and repent of it. The former is of no particular danger without the latter. Regret by itself, in fact, can be rather useful.

I recall a former patient of mine who became wracked with guilt over some trifling matter he felt would have displeased Our Enemy. Income tax evasion, I believe it was. Fortunately, his guilty feelings never resulted in repentance. (Humans, weak and cowardly as they are, will go to virtually any length to escape guilt–preferably without giving up the thing causing it.) The patient first tried to convince himself that he owed no duty to fund a “godless and unjust government.” His conscience was not persuaded. I decided not to waste a great deal of time helping him come up with arguments to justify his behavior. Instead, I frequently brought to his mind the penalties and shame he would likely incur if he were to confess his crime. Eventually he defected to our side and learned to suppress his guilt quite effectively.

If your patient begins to feel regret or guilt, her thoughts should center, as much as possible, on the circumstances contributing to her outburst. They need not be momentous. Perhaps her husband neglected to pay the credit card bill on time again, a thing that irritates her greatly. Perhaps her neighbor’s dog has been barking more than usual–and always when her child needs to nap. Or perhaps the weather has been too hot–or too cold–whatever the case may be. (I find it tiresome to pay attention to such frivolities of the Enemy as seasons and climate and weather. Unless, of course, it results in a disaster in which the well-worn but reliable cries of How-Could-a-Good-God-Let-Such-Things-Happen may be dusted off and used to good effect).

As a last resort, allow your patient to blame you for her tantrum. It is true that we like to remain in the background as much as possible. But your ultimate goal is to keep your patient–at all costs–from putting the blame squarely upon herself, which may result in tears, repentance, or–Lucifer-forbid–apologies to her child. A young human should never witness a parent admitting fault, as I think you are well aware. The early lessons learned of humility, repentance, restoration…I shudder to dwell on such thoughts.

I trust you have the situation well in hand and will not allow it to escalate to such a level.

Your affectionate cousin,
Squirmtrap

Bitternell #1: Back at College

From: “Squirmtrap” squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Bitternell” bitternell@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Re: Back at College

My Dear Bitternell,

I see that your patient begins his second year of college today. I rather fancy you are congratulating yourself on his returning to an environment where he will encounter numerous youths who spend a good deal of time drinking, carousing, scoffing, and other useful amusements.

I would share your gratification except for the “small” matter of his having been converted to the Enemy’s cause during his last semester of college. Believe me, my dear nephew, it pains me to bring this topic up again. I trust you have been duly chastened for failing to prevent your patient from joining the “Campus Christians” group where he was influenced by zealots–young adults who describe themselves as being “on fire for Christ.” What do they know of being on fire, eh, Bitternell?

I mention this only to remind you that you must be supremely vigilant to ensure he does not once again fall into their clutches. As the summer progressed and your patient was no longer under their influence, he fell into many of the habits he had purposed to set aside. (I congratulate you on your cleverness in encouraging him to “be responsible” and get a summer job with hours that made it difficult for him to attend church).

I caution you, however, against trying to turn him too quickly against his zealot companions. Any sudden change in his attitude may alert and alarm him, causing him to redouble his efforts to rejoin the group. Gainful employment may provide just the key. As I understand it, he is still undecided about whether to look for a part-time job. Encourage him to do so. Then see to it that he remains extraordinarily busy with his studies and his work. If he begins to feel guilty for neglecting worship for the sake of his job, remind him that he will be able to tithe more generously.

A job in the history department as an assistant to Dr. Snyder would be just the ticket, I think. Dr. Snyder is a tireless and capable warrior in the battle against our Enemy. He should have plenty of work to keep your patient busy and, I trust, provide much diabolical food for thought along the way.

Please speak with Gallpit immediately about putting the idea into Dr. Snyder’s head of hiring an assistant. Dr. Snyder requires so little intervention these days, having practically become a demon-in-training himself, that Gallpit will no doubt welcome some small project.

Your affectionate uncle,
Squirmtrap

Introduction

From: “Squirmtrap” squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Lucifer” lucifer@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Yearly Evaluation

Your Evilness,

Per your request, I am forwarding the recent e-mail correspondence between myself and my two demonic charges, Bitternell and Sulphino (as well as the Tempter Evaluation form no. 666-S). I trust you will find all in order.

Summary: