Sulphino #6: Prayer Problems

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Sulphino” Sulphino@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Prayer Problems

My Dear Sulphino,

It is as I feared. The Enemy, it would seem, has allowed the pathetic whimpering of your patient to influence Him to act on her behalf.

Twice–twice!–this week, your attempts to incite her to contact her unhappily married friend Lance for consolation were thwarted. And it’s no good placing the blame on Hornchill, who is in charge of Lance. Scapegoating and blame are invaluable tools in the tempter’s arsenal, to be sure, but if you think they will keep Our Father Below from holding you responsible, you are greatly mistaken indeed.

Ah, but there is reason for hope, you claim, since your patient is clearly struggling. Bah! I had expected more of you, my dear cousin. Struggling itself is no victory for us…only succumbing. Just as a human muscle may be strengthened by exercise, so struggling against our efforts—resisting temptation, they call it—may only serve to increase their ability to resist.

I suggest you focus your efforts more on keeping your patient from calling upon the Enemy than on inducing her to call upon Lance. Success in the former will make the latter more easily achieved. At the very least, her supplications to the Enemy should be marked by fear and doubting. There are a number of useful ways you might pursue this course:

• Your patient should be led to believe that a certain state of mind must be achieved before engaging in prayer, rather than the other way around. You must keep her focus as much as possible on her state of mind, not on the Enemy or the even the content of her supplication. Prayer should be viewed primarily as a form of therapy, rather than a tool used by the Enemy to accomplish His purposes.

• Your patient should worry that her regular offenses against the Enemy are such that it would be presumptuous for her to call upon Him.

• Your patient should be filled with doubts as to whether the Enemy really should be bothered about her insignificant problems. (Indeed, it is inconceivable why the Enemy should not only allow these ridiculous creatures to pester Him with their complaints, but practically beg them to do so!) Take special care that your patient does not stumble across the parable of the persistent widow during her irregular dabbles in the Enemy’s words.

And so on. I have no desire to do your work for you, my dear cousin, and even less do I wish to recommend your transfer to another patient who would prove even more difficult than the one you have. It has come to my attention that there is an opening for a tempter to a certain Aunt Abbie, as everyone calls her, who is advanced in years and known for her generosity and good works, fervent and frequent prayer, uncomplaining tongue, and gentleness. She is considered to be one of the more unpleasant punishments given to lazy young tempters, all of whom eventually have fallen under the wrath of Our Father Below. We needn’t discuss what happened to them, my dear cousin. I suggest you redouble your efforts with your current patient so that such a discussion does not become necessary.

I shall be eager to receive your next report.

Your affectionate cousin,
Squirmtrap

Sulphino #5 & 6: Angry Husband

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Sulphino” Sulphino@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Re: Angry Husband

My Dear Sulphino,

Wonderful news, indeed! So your patient’s husband lost his temper (what delicate phrases the human fools invent to make their offenses against the Enemy seem more innocuous), said some rather unpleasant things to his wife, and left the house in a huff. It’s just the sort of thing that would make your patient call up that fellow Lance and rush into his sympathetic and waiting arms.

I wonder…could it be that she intentionally escalated the disagreement to give herself an excuse for seeking consolation from her friend? Perhaps she is not yet that advanced in her hard-heartedness, but it would certainly speak well of your work (not to mention my little contributions to the effort) if that were the case.

At any rate, your patient should continue to brood about the unkind things her husband said (with the most vicious interpretation possible in regard to the content and tone). This should be immediately followed by thoughts of the tender, attentive way she is treated by Lance. If only she realized how unkind and boorish is his typical behavior at home! Perhaps, deep down, she does. Humans have a remarkable capacity for suppressing the Enemy’s warnings and for deceiving themselves.

Lance, no doubt, will be eager to “minister” to his friend and offer her “spiritual guidance.” It is an amusing game at times, is it not, Sulphino?

Your affectionate cousin,
Squirmtrap

~~~~~~~

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Sulphino” Sulphino@wormneverdies.org
Subject: A Matter of Concern

My Dear Sulphino,

I had not intended to write again so soon, but I have been informed of a disturbing development. It is clear that the Enemy has been working behind the scenes to undermine your efforts. Odd that you did not mention this thing yourself in our recent correspondence. An oversight, no doubt. Only keep in mind, my dear cousin, that Our Father Below keeps a close eye on his servants. It is not to your advantage to relate only your successes while leaving your failures unmentioned. Enough said on that point.

The difficulty is that your patient has apparently begun to make a habit of praying.

I don’t mean that she has a growing desire to pray–I mean that she is praying despite of her lack of desire. It means that she is attempting to obey the Enemy’s requirement that his followers walk by faith, not by sight. Only a fool would do so, of course—but we have known all along that the Enemy’s followers are fools, have we not?

Still, all is not yet lost. If your patient spends a good deal of time praying about and for this fellow Lance, she may end up using prayer merely as a pretext for “sanctified fantasizing.” Perhaps she is praying that her feelings for him would be taken away, even as she relishes wallowing in those feelings. Rather disgusting, but far safer than if she were to turn her thoughts and words away from Lance and toward the Enemy.

You must ensure, above all, that she does not begin using the Enemy’s words during her prayers. It seems rather vain for the Enemy to delight in hearing His own words offered back to Him, but He responds to that sort of thing. Fortunately, our research indicates that most of His followers spend precious little time praying, much less thinking about what sort of prayer pleases the One to whom they offer it.

That great tempter Brinerot always warned his trainees about a particular collection of the Enemy’s words called the Psalms, which contain the full range of horrid human emotions from joy to terror to thanksgiving to anguish. Brinerot recalls fearful times in human history when the Enemy’s servants would chant and sing those awful words with one voice, causing our very gates to shudder and creak.

Fortunately, that sort of thing has fallen out of favor through the years. There are, of course, places here and there where it is still practiced, but for the most part the Psalms have been dropped in favor of other sung prayers. I must say, the gatheringof the Enemy’s troops is rendered rather less fearful when they are crooning about gazing tenderly into the eyes of the Savior, rather than singing and shouting “The LORD is the great God, and the great King above all gods.”

Hateful and fearful, that sort of thing. But I digress.

The long and short of it is that if you cannot keep your patient off her knees, let her prayers be rambling, self-centered, and full of discontent—just like her abysmal poetry.

Your affectionate cousin,
Squirmtrap

Sulphino #4: Patient’s New Spiritual Advisor

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Sulphino” Sulphino@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Patient’s New Spiritual Advisor

My Dear Sulphino,

Interesting. Very interesting, indeed. Your patient has found a friend from church who is willing to offer sympathy, encouragement, and advice about your patient’s marital woes—and has promised to pray about her situation. Pardon me if I don’t share your concern.

I realize that, as higher spiritual beings, we are not given to irrational passions that so often consume the pathetic human race. But, really, my dear cousin, you are not a complete novice; I should think you would have begun capitalizing on this development instead of lamenting it.

Don’t you see…this friendly and compassionate ear is attached to a human male. And not just any male—but one who is near your patient’s age, not unpleasant to look upon (as I am given to understand. I’m afraid I find all human vermin equally disgusting), and, most importantly, one who is experiencing difficulties in his own marriage. Your patient has all but handed you a spike on which to skewer her soul!

The occasional phone calls and e-mails (and especially the quick hand-squeezes of support in the church hallways) are most certainly to be encouraged. At times it is difficult for us to get a firm foothold in a Christian marriage except by some pious pretext. Yet once the foothold is managed, it is fairly easy to progress quickly toward unfaithfulness. More marriages are lost to piety than pornography, my dear cousin. (An overstatement, of course, but I’m sure you see the point).

When seeking consolation and “spiritual encouragement” from this man, your patient must be kept blind to her real motives. This should be fairly easy, since she will not be overly eager to examine them.

If all goes well, your patient will begin to compare her new friend (Lance, I believe, is the creature’s name) with her husband. It is important that she compare a blurry, unfocused, romantic image of Lance with the starkly realistic one of her  husband. Consider using the typical scene of her husband in t-shirt and sweat pants, feet on the coffee table, shouting at one of his children to “Shut your trap so Daddy can hear the game!”

I trust you will not let this marvelous opportunity go unexploited.

Your affectionate cousin,
Squirmtrap

Sulphino #3: Marital Conflicts

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Sulphino” Sulphino@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Re: Marital Conflicts

My Dear Sulphino,

That was quite a row between your patient and her husband. Delightful! It was so spectacular, in fact, that I’m afraid it momentarily distracted Glimewad from his duties with the neighbor across street. Fortunately, that particular neighbor is given to spying and eavesdropping and was enjoying the event as well, so no real harm done.

And to think your patient and her husband practically came to blows over who left the light on in the upstairs bathroom! Ah, these silly humans like to think themselves high-minded and noble and scrupulous for truth when they are likely as not arguing over some trifling matter. Even when they realize this mid-argument, they feel as though they must continue for the principle of the thing (it’s what they tell themselves, at any rate).

It would have been much easier on your patient’s marriage—not to mention her vocal cords—if she had simply flipped off the lights and went about her business. Humans so often prefer the more difficult route—unless, of course, it requires self-sacrifice. At times they do our job more effectively than we do, eh, Sulphino?

Please don’t think, however, that you may bask in your victory for long. As with the lost-temper incident with her child, you don’t want your patient to listen to the Enemy’s urgings to humble herself and admit her fault in escalating the incident. Her thoughts must dwell on her husband’s faults–and they are many, to be sure. It would have been just as easy for her husband to acknowledge his forgetfulness, flip off the lights, and drop the subject when confronted. How much better for us, is it not, that instead he rolled his eyes and muttered, “I guess we’ll have to give up that vacation this year since we just spent an extra 20 cents on electricity.”

These are the sorts of remarks that should be swirling about in your patient’s mind. If you are unable to keep her from praying about the conflict, her focus should be on asking the Enemy to change her husband’s disagreeable behavior, not her own.

You would also be well-advised to coax to life the little spark of resentment she has recently begun to feel about being in charge of household tasks. That article from a women’s magazine passed along to her by her neighbor (“Are You Oppressed?”) did a fine job of sowing the seeds of discontent.

Amusing, is it not, that in places where oppression of women actually occurs one is least likely to hear about it. The parts of the world where “women’s oppression” is decried the loudest tend to be, more likely than not, where oppression is defined as having to unload the dishwasher.

An Enemy soldier once said:

“The common notion of equality is based on the image of the march. In a parade, really unequal beings are dressed alike, given guns of identical length, trained to hold them at the same angle, and ordered to keep step with a fixed beat. But it is not the parade that is true to life; it is the dance. There you have real equals assigned unequal roles in order that each may achieve his individual perfection in the whole. Nothing is less personal than a parade; nothing more so than a dance. It is the choice image of fulfillment through function, and it comes very close to the heart of the Trinity. Marriage is a hierarchical game played by co-equal persons. Keep that paradox and you move in the freedom of the Dance; alter it, and you grow weary with marching.”

Keep this in mind when attempting to stir up your patient’s unhappiness with her role. Of course, your patient is correct that her husband ought to help out more around the house and appreciate her contributions. But by all means, let us keep her from enjoying the “dance.”

Your affectionate cousin,
Squirmtrap

Sulphino #2: Poetry

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Sulphino” Sulphino@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Poetry

My Dear Sulphino,

So your patient has taken up poetry. You inquired as to whether this interest should be encouraged or not. It depends, my dear cousin, it depends.

On one hand, activities and pursuits that inspire your patient to observe more carefully and appreciate the world around her are usually to be avoided. If her awkward verse (I read the sample you included…dreadful) helps turn her thoughts toward the Enemy and His creation, you would do well to divert her attention to other pursuits. Perhaps you could put the idea into her head to begin watching more television to gather writing material. One of those “bare-it-all” talk shows would be ideal, but at this point it’s unlikely your patient would select that sort of program. You may have to settle for the news. At the very least, its tendency to focus on crime, accidents, political shenanigans, and “natural” disasters often has the benefit of depressing the viewer. If bombarded with this sort of thing day after day, your patient may even develop a vague sense of uneasiness about whether the Enemy truly is in control of His creation. One must be careful…some patients may be driven to more frequent prayer. Others, however, may be successfully manipulated into developing an increasingly skewed perspective of life—seeing the world not as a gift, as the Enemy intended, but as a horror—a haven for predators and hucksters; a place of danger and pain; fragile and unstable, ever on the verge of annihilation. Ah, such delightful paranoia! It is then only a small step to convince such patients that the Enemy (if, they wonder, He exists at all) resembles mighty Zeus—-vengeful, capricious, and all in all, much too powerful for his own good. (Not altogether an inaccurate view of the Enemy, eh, Sulphino?)

But back to the matter at hand…If your patient’s poem-writing leads her to spend an inordinate amount of time wallowing in her own emotions, it may be best not to discourage it. Even better if she begins to take undue pride in her attempts.

Please note: I said undue pride. Being pleased or even proud of her work will not, in and of itself, cause her any harm. The Enemy Himself declared His own work “good” (we know, of course, that He is the very picture of vanity and self-absorption so often mistakenly attributed to Our Father Below). Your patient’s pleasure must not come from the writing itself or from the subject matter, but from being recognized (more specifically, envied) for her writing accomplishments.

Of course, given the quality of your patient’s verse, it’s rather unlikely that publication is on the horizon. At this point, the only writing for which she has received any sort of recognition was an essay entitled “What Parker’s Pinto Beans Mean to Me.”

See if you can’t help her out a bit, will you, Sulphino? Her current poem, “Traveling the Road to Regret,” needs much work if it is ever going to excite envy. You needn’t worry about rhyme or meter, incidentally. Order and structure are often held in disdain among the human “creative types.” A wailing and whining in free verse may be just the sort thing to get her published—not to mention its potential value in stirring up discontent with her own life.

Your affectionate cousin,
Squirmtrap

Sulphino #1: Anger and Regret

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Sulphino” Sulphino@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Re: Anger

My Dear Sulphino,

A word of encouragement and a word of warning.

First, allow me to congratulate you on the little incident yesterday when your patient became annoyed and impatient with her young child. While the chipped plate that resulted after she slammed it onto the counter may not be a significant boon to Our Father Below, the angry words that sprang from her lips were, indeed.

Of course, you must be on guard for the possibility that the patient, upon later reflection, will regret her behavior and repent of it. The former is of no particular danger without the latter. Regret by itself, in fact, can be rather useful.

I recall a former patient of mine who became wracked with guilt over some trifling matter he felt would have displeased Our Enemy. Income tax evasion, I believe it was. Fortunately, his guilty feelings never resulted in repentance. (Humans, weak and cowardly as they are, will go to virtually any length to escape guilt–preferably without giving up the thing causing it.) The patient first tried to convince himself that he owed no duty to fund a “godless and unjust government.” His conscience was not persuaded. I decided not to waste a great deal of time helping him come up with arguments to justify his behavior. Instead, I frequently brought to his mind the penalties and shame he would likely incur if he were to confess his crime. Eventually he defected to our side and learned to suppress his guilt quite effectively.

If your patient begins to feel regret or guilt, her thoughts should center, as much as possible, on the circumstances contributing to her outburst. They need not be momentous. Perhaps her husband neglected to pay the credit card bill on time again, a thing that irritates her greatly. Perhaps her neighbor’s dog has been barking more than usual–and always when her child needs to nap. Or perhaps the weather has been too hot–or too cold–whatever the case may be. (I find it tiresome to pay attention to such frivolities of the Enemy as seasons and climate and weather. Unless, of course, it results in a disaster in which the well-worn but reliable cries of How-Could-a-Good-God-Let-Such-Things-Happen may be dusted off and used to good effect).

As a last resort, allow your patient to blame you for her tantrum. It is true that we like to remain in the background as much as possible. But your ultimate goal is to keep your patient–at all costs–from putting the blame squarely upon herself, which may result in tears, repentance, or–Lucifer-forbid–apologies to her child. A young human should never witness a parent admitting fault, as I think you are well aware. The early lessons learned of humility, repentance, restoration…I shudder to dwell on such thoughts.

I trust you have the situation well in hand and will not allow it to escalate to such a level.

Your affectionate cousin,
Squirmtrap