Bitternell #6: Theology E-List

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Bitternell” Bitternell@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Theology E-List

My Dear Bitternell,

I gather you are distressed because your patient has joined an online theological discussion group. You fear, perhaps, that his participation will foster a sense of community with other servants of the Enemy as well as providing him with indoctrination in the Enemy’s cause—spiritual nourishment, I believe they call it.

Nothing could be further from the truth, my dear nephew.

While it is indeed possible for these online  forums to strengthen the Enemy’s troops, there is also great potential for doing them harm. The opportunities for spreading twisted distortions and bizarre variations of the Enemy’s teachings, for offending fellow servants of the Enemy, and most of all, for multiplying rancor as bitter discussions spill onto various blogs—oh, the possibilities! (You are familiar with the term “blog,” I hope. A Luciferian can not afford to be a Luddite as well.)

In addition, your patient can be encouraged to view these online “spiritual excursions” as an acceptable substitute for gathering in the presence of the Enemy each week. But take care that he does not mention this reasoning to the zealot Nate. No doubt the zealot would be quick to show your patient his faulty reasoning—that attending a dinner at someone’s home and engaging in an e-mail discussion about said dinner are two different matters entirely.

I look forward to hearing your plans for exploiting this new pursuit.

Your affectionate uncle,
Squirmtrap
~~~~~~~

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Bitternell” Bitternell@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Re: Theology E-List

My Dear Bitternell,

I see that you have not kept up with current trends in technology quite so well as you might have. Can it really be that you have not yet obtained a computer? You are rather imposing on Scuttlebite by constantly popping in to use his. May I suggest you procure your own immediately? I would also suggest choosing one with the Windows operating system. It was designed by some of our own people and is very likely the most significant catalyst for spontaneous profanity in existence. But I digress.

The first step in using your patient’s new online theological discussion group to full advantage is to plant the idea of his creating an anonymous username. This will likely result in far more unreasonable and hysterical conduct than he might otherwise engage in if using his real name. Doctrinedude or 4Truth4Evr would do nicely, I think.

As for his participation in the group: remember that not all theological debate is helpful to Our Father Below. The Enemy says, “Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Therefore, you will need to see to it that your patient goes about this in the proper way. For example, he should take whatever is written by fellow list members out of context and interpret it in the worst possible light.

At first he may be permitted use those ridiculous so-called “emoticons” (such as the smiling or winking face). But at some point he should be weaned off them, lest they have the effect of making his rebuttals and disagreements seem less harsh and impersonal.

Despite his being a relatively new convert to the Enemy’s cause, he should be given an overinflated sense of his own maturity and wisdom. If possible, he should be encouraged to think of himself as a modern day Athanasius, standing alone for truth against the entire world—including (and especially) fellow servants of the Enemy. “Too many Athanasii spoil the Bread and Wine,” as we old-timers are fond of saying.

Restraint in posting is to be avoided at all costs. As the Enemy also says: “In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” It is best if your patient regularly responds to those with whom he disagrees immediately after reading their posts (or better yet, after only a quick skim), lest he have time to reflect on what they are truly saying or, even worse, take time to craft a careful and charitable response. Impatience and escalation should be the guiding principles.

One final note: try to keep your patient at his computer as long as possible each day. The many hours spent without interacting with those around him—whether friends, family, or neighbors—can only be good for our cause.

TTFN (please ask Scuttlebite if you are unfamiliar with this acronym).

Your affectionate uncle,
Squirmtrap

Bitternell #5: A Day with the Zealot

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Bitternell” Bitternell@wormneverdies.org
cc: “Lucifer” Lucifer@wormneverdiesorg
Subject: A Day with the Zealot

My Dear Bitternell,

No doubt you are uncomfortably aware that this week won’t be remembered as one of your finest. Is it really possible that you not only allowed your patient to get a day off work (which means one day less of influence by the agreeably diabolical Dr. Snyder), but that he spent the day not in revelry or idleness, but in the company of the zealot, Nate? Our Father Below will be most displeased. I have no choice to report it, you understand.

I realize  you could not help Dr. Snyder’s being invited to participate in the annual Atheist Golf Tournament. (I must speak to Gallpit about using Dr. Snyder’s talents in a more productive manner. Though the event’s goal is to raise money and awareness for the removal of religious belief from public policy matters, I sense that the Enemy is amused rather than alarmed by their efforts.)

But back to your patient’s day….recall the Enemy’s words: “He who walks with the wise will be wise, but the companion of fools suffers harm.” Though I would hardly put this Nate on par with the terrible Lady Wisdom, yet he does attempt to follow the Enemy and has a great desire to do so better. (It is an inexplicable and foolish weakness of the Enemy that He takes delight in the clumsy and pathetic efforts of His followers to serve Him. Our Father Below understands that good results are obtained by perfectionism, not pampering. The Enemy seems to have forgotten His own words on the subject: “He who pampers his slave from childhood will in the end find him to be a son.” Scuttlebite thinks that is His intention, but I find it difficult to believe that the Enemy would really prefer the inconvenience and care of a host of sons and daughters to the cheap and satisfying service of slaves.)

Your patient is not yet far enough along in his indoctrination by Dr. Snyder to be much of an “evil” influence on Nate. Therefore, I am sorry to say, the zealot seems to have influenced your patient instead. Let us review the events of the day. (You, of course, remember them quite vividly, but this e-mail also serves as a progress report to Our Father Below, who is being cc’d).

The first sign of trouble was when Nate, after picking up your patient from his dorm, suggested they pause and pray before venturing out. Why the Enemy would trouble Himself with a keeping couple of insignificant youths out of trouble when surely He has more important things to do is anyone’s guess. And yet it appears that the Enemy does listen and answer, even when the supplicants are not aware of it.

Their first stop was a coffee and pastry shop not far from campus where the zealot Nate once again insisted upon calling on the Name of the Enemy—giving thanks or “saying grace,” I believe it is called. Your patient at least had the intelligence to be quite embarrassed at bowing his head in the middle of a busy eating establishment while Nate muttered his prayer.

I should mention here that there are two schools of thought on the subject of praying in public before meals. Some of our scholars agree that this practice is to be encouraged. Recall that the Enemy exhorts His followers to pray in private, not to be seen by men. If one’s patient can begin to take pride in these little demonstrations—the louder and longer the prayer, the better—it can be a useful tool in the tempter’s arsenal. Others, however, say the Enemy is never more powerfully present than in a thankful heart. They suggest it can be dangerous for humans to be continually reminded that all they have comes from the hand of the Enemy—and to thank Him for it. If these public prayers are brief and unostentatious, yet unabashed, they may do more harm than good to the cause of Our Father Below. Simply keep in mind, as I have mentioned in our previous correspondence, that we should never engage in a one-size-fits-all approach. You must take into consideration your patient’s temperament and circumstances in deciding whether to encourage or discourage this practice.

As they finished their meal, they considered stopping by a bookstore, where Nate intended to recommend some “good spiritual reading” for your patient’s “edification.” It is easy to understand, I suppose, how a junior tempter such as yourself may have panicked at hearing this. But I’m sure you would agree now that causing a minor car accident outside the coffee shop was a bit desperate on your part. I realize your motive was to turn their attention to something other than plans for spiritual reading. What resulted, as I think you know, was far worse.

It turned out the driver of the car was an elderly woman–a widow whose health has been in decline of late and who has few friends or family in the area. Your patient and Nate rushed out to help her. I believe the parking meter she collided with suffered far more damage than her person, but they decided to see her home, nevertheless. They ended up spending the rest of the morning there, doing odd jobs for her around the house and staying for a lunch, to the old woman’s utter delight. If this weren’t bad enough, they have promised to stop by once a week to visit and help out in whatever way they can.

Ah, Bitternell, Bitternell! How much better it would have been for your patient to go to the bookstore. No doubt any book purchased would have sat untouched on his bedside table, since he is not much of a reader at this point. You recall, of course, that the Enemy has said: “Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress…” Enough said.

The rest of the day included other relatively harmless activities which neither helped nor hindered the cause of Our Father Below. But at the end of the day, Nate elicited a promise from your patient that he would make every effort to get off work the following Sunday and attend worship with him. I cannot emphasize enough that you should see to it that this does not happen.

You have your work cut out for you, my dear nephew, to undo the damage that occurred on your watch. I’m sure you will work tirelessly to do so. Our Father Below expects nothing less.

Your affectionate uncle,
Squirmtrap

Bitternell #4: Church Attendance

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Bitternell” Bitternell@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Church Attendance

My Dear Bitternell,

Your patient’s “de-indoctrination” is proceeding nicely. As for his oversleeping and missing a biology exam…I am glad you were so amused by his distress, but I must say, your interfering with his alarm clock was somewhat pedestrian. Remember that if this sort of thing happens often, it may inspire him to clear out his schedule to allow more time for rest. In that case, his part-time job would likely be the first thing to go. Quitting his job would not only enable him to attend the Enemy’s weekly meeting with His followers, but remove your patient from Dr. Snyder’s influence. Please don’t overdo it.

There is another matter…something must be done about a fellow student and zealot, Nate, I believe he is called, who has made a number of unsuccessful attempts to bring your patient back into the insidious influence of the “Campus Christians.”

I must remember to commend Slugtrail, who is in charge of that young zealot. Nate was about to call your patient and invite him to church when Slugtrail, thinking quickly, diverted him. He planted the idea in Nate’s head to take some time first to help his roommate with an essay. Not only did Nate forget his earlier resolution to call your patient, but he succeeded in greatly annoying his roommate. They are both quite vain when it comes to assessing their scholastic skills, and Nate’s frequent attempts to tutor is one of his roommate’s pet peeves.

The Enemy, of course, will be working to ensure that the zealot eventually makes contact, so I suggest you develop a list of excuses your patient can offer as to why he cannot attend church. I’ve listed a few examples below:

▪   “I’d like to come, but my heart isn’t right. I need to work out some issues first.”

Ordinarily we don’t want patients to dwell on what the Enemy calls “sin,” but such meditations can be used to good effect at times. Make the patient think he must somehow cleanse himself inwardly before coming into the presence of the Enemy, rather than coming to the Enemy in order to be cleansed. This sort of thinking has other useful applications, such as keeping a patient from participating in the so-called Eucharist (that revolting, frightening, and inexplicable rite), or from doing other works on behalf of the Enemy.

▪   “I can pray and read the Bible on my own at home just as easily as church.”

You know as well as I that only one out of a hundred who express this sentiment will actually follow through and do it. But far better that the humans be scattered about, offering their individual prayers at home, if it means they neglect gathering together as the Bride—terrible as an army with banners. You and I, my dear nephew, can see what these idiot humans cannot: that when they gather, as the Enemy has commanded, He meets with them, offering rest, nourishment, and weapons for the fight. He has chosen, for reasons we cannot fathom, to allow them to enter into his heavenly counsel room during such assemblies, that they may rule with Him (for the time being, Bitternell, for the time being) and offer their supplications on behalf of the rest of the wretched world. Allow them to read their Bibles or pray at home, if you must. But keep them, at all cost, from assembling and becoming as one.

▪   “I haven’t found a church I really like.”

Those silly human creatures have somehow come to think that the important thing is to like their fellow church members, when what the Enemy requires is that they love them. If they are always on the search for a group that perfectly suits all of their tastes, whims, prejudices, and convictions, they will be ever kept on the move. A plant continually pulled from the soil and transplanted will never develop strong, deep roots. Such a plant will be especially vulnerable to drought, disease, and strong winds. So should our patients be.

Your affectionate uncle,
Squirmtrap

Bitternell #3: Philosophical Discussion

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Bitternell” Bitternell@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Re: Philosophical Discussion

My Dear Bitternell,

Your last correspondence was gratifying. I am delighted to learn that not only does your patient now have a job as Dr. Snyder’s assistant that will keep him quite busy, but that the professor has shown an interest in un-indoctrinating his young helper.

It is fortunate that one of the young zealots stopped by the office for a brief chat with your patient—and that their visit was overheard by Dr. Snyder. Their exchange was long enough to alert the professor that his new employee has been fraternizing with Christians, but not long enough to do any real harm (i.e. the zealot making inquiries as to whether your patient has been attending church, etc.).

You mentioned with some alarm that Dr. Snyder has been encouraging your patient to discuss philosophy and theology. Not to worry, my dear nephew. The sincere pursuit of knowledge will, of course, eventually lead the searcher to the Truth, as the Enemy is wont to call Himself. (It is truly repulsive, the way in which the Enemy so freely offers wisdom to any who seeks it. How can that but cheapen its value?)

And yet a merely academic, impersonal interest in theology or philosophy may be no more troublesome to our efforts than an interest in stamp-collecting or photography. Less troublesome, in fact, since those sorts of pursuits tend to take the patient outside himself. The Enemy, in his vanity, has imprinted Himself upon all His wretched creation. More than one human has unintentionally stumbled into the Enemy’s camp after marveling at the intricate structure of a crystal or observing the thunderous force of a mountain waterfall.

No, we have much less to fear from the disinterested dabbler in theology (such as Dr. Snyder) who would just as soon his philosophical wanderings not lead him to any particular destination. A fine influence for your patient, indeed.

Try, if you can, to give your patient a fondness for discussions that start out with such phrases as “I like to think of God as…” Quite creative and amusing, some of the gods those foolish humans invent. At those times, your best course of action is simply to sit back and enjoy.

Your affectionate uncle,
Squirmtrap

Bitternell #2: Busy Schedule

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Bitternell” Bitternell@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Re: Busy Schedule

My Dear Bitternell,

Regarding your last e-mail…yes, I am aware that my suggestion to keep your patient’s schedule full is precisely the opposite advice I gave you about a previous patient.

If you will remember, your former patient was given to fits of intense melancholy. It was my opinion that if he were faced with long periods of solitude and inactivity, he would likely spend it in maudlin introspection, brooding, and eventually, despair. I was correct in my assessment. Your patient made an unsuccessful attempt to take his own life and then spent the next several months growing increasingly bitter (a fitting reminder of your worthy name, dear nephew). I should think that given my track record, you would have developed some confidence in my ability to advise you effectively.

Your current patient is decidedly not of the melancholy temperament. He is, in my opinion, rather too cheerful and optimistic. There is a danger that his moments of introspection would veer dangerously close to happiness, then gratitude—reminding him that gratitude makes sense only if there is Someone to whom he should be grateful. This could end in prayers of thanksgiving and praise to the Enemy…no, no, no—that will never do.

Your current patient should not be left alone with his own thoughts just yet. While idleness is indeed often “the devil’s playground,” (as the human vermin so vulgarly put it) I am surprised you have not learned by now that each human case is different. You’ll not make a great deal of progress in your training if you insist upon a one-size-fits-all solution for each patient. Unpredictability, adaptability, and shrewdness, my dear nephew. We are to be prowling lions, not yawning housecats.

Further, I was disturbed to learn that your patient was reading the Enemy’s letters before bed yesterday. Clearly he is not exhausted enough at the end of the day. I certainly hope, for your sake, that I will soon hear news of your patient’s employment with Dr. Snyder.

Your affectionate uncle,
Squirmtrap

Bitternell #1: Back at College

From: “Squirmtrap” squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Bitternell” bitternell@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Re: Back at College

My Dear Bitternell,

I see that your patient begins his second year of college today. I rather fancy you are congratulating yourself on his returning to an environment where he will encounter numerous youths who spend a good deal of time drinking, carousing, scoffing, and other useful amusements.

I would share your gratification except for the “small” matter of his having been converted to the Enemy’s cause during his last semester of college. Believe me, my dear nephew, it pains me to bring this topic up again. I trust you have been duly chastened for failing to prevent your patient from joining the “Campus Christians” group where he was influenced by zealots–young adults who describe themselves as being “on fire for Christ.” What do they know of being on fire, eh, Bitternell?

I mention this only to remind you that you must be supremely vigilant to ensure he does not once again fall into their clutches. As the summer progressed and your patient was no longer under their influence, he fell into many of the habits he had purposed to set aside. (I congratulate you on your cleverness in encouraging him to “be responsible” and get a summer job with hours that made it difficult for him to attend church).

I caution you, however, against trying to turn him too quickly against his zealot companions. Any sudden change in his attitude may alert and alarm him, causing him to redouble his efforts to rejoin the group. Gainful employment may provide just the key. As I understand it, he is still undecided about whether to look for a part-time job. Encourage him to do so. Then see to it that he remains extraordinarily busy with his studies and his work. If he begins to feel guilty for neglecting worship for the sake of his job, remind him that he will be able to tithe more generously.

A job in the history department as an assistant to Dr. Snyder would be just the ticket, I think. Dr. Snyder is a tireless and capable warrior in the battle against our Enemy. He should have plenty of work to keep your patient busy and, I trust, provide much diabolical food for thought along the way.

Please speak with Gallpit immediately about putting the idea into Dr. Snyder’s head of hiring an assistant. Dr. Snyder requires so little intervention these days, having practically become a demon-in-training himself, that Gallpit will no doubt welcome some small project.

Your affectionate uncle,
Squirmtrap