From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Sulphino” Sulphino@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Prayer Problems
My Dear Sulphino,
It is as I feared. The Enemy, it would seem, has allowed the pathetic whimpering of your patient to influence Him to act on her behalf.
Twice–twice!–this week, your attempts to incite her to contact her unhappily married friend Lance for consolation were thwarted. And it’s no good placing the blame on Hornchill, who is in charge of Lance. Scapegoating and blame are invaluable tools in the tempter’s arsenal, to be sure, but if you think they will keep Our Father Below from holding you responsible, you are greatly mistaken indeed.
Ah, but there is reason for hope, you claim, since your patient is clearly struggling. Bah! I had expected more of you, my dear cousin. Struggling itself is no victory for us…only succumbing. Just as a human muscle may be strengthened by exercise, so struggling against our efforts—resisting temptation, they call it—may only serve to increase their ability to resist.
I suggest you focus your efforts more on keeping your patient from calling upon the Enemy than on inducing her to call upon Lance. Success in the former will make the latter more easily achieved. At the very least, her supplications to the Enemy should be marked by fear and doubting. There are a number of useful ways you might pursue this course:
- Your patient should be led to believe that a certain state of mind must be achieved before engaging in prayer, rather than the other way around. You must keep her focus as much as possible on her state of mind, not on the Enemy or the even the content of her supplication. Prayer should be viewed primarily as a form of therapy, rather than a tool used by the Enemy to accomplish His purposes.
- Your patient should worry that her regular offenses against the Enemy are such that it would be presumptuous for her to call upon Him.
- Your patient should be filled with doubts as to whether the Enemy really should be bothered about her insignificant problems. (Indeed, it is inconceivable why the Enemy should not only allow these ridiculous creatures to pester Him with their complaints, but practically beg them to do so!) Take special care that your patient does not stumble across the parable of the persistent widow during her irregular dabbles in the Enemy’s words.
And so on. I have no desire to do your work for you, my dear cousin, and even less do I wish to recommend your transfer to another patient who would prove even more difficult than the one you have. It has come to my attention that there is an opening for a tempter to a certain Aunt Abbie, as everyone calls her, who is advanced in years and known for her generosity and good works, fervent and frequent prayer, uncomplaining tongue, and gentleness. She is considered to be one of the more unpleasant punishments given to lazy young tempters, all of whom eventually have fallen under the wrath of Our Father Below. We needn’t discuss what happened to them, my dear cousin. I suggest you redouble your efforts with your current patient so that such a discussion does not become necessary.
I shall be eager to receive your next report.
Your affectionate cousin,
Squirmtrap
