From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Sulphino” Sulphino@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Re: Angry Husband

My Dear Sulphino,

Wonderful news, indeed! So your patient’s husband lost his temper (what delicate phrases the human fools invent to make their offenses against the Enemy seem more innocuous), said some rather unpleasant things to his wife, and left the house in a huff. It’s just the sort of thing that would make your patient call up that fellow Lance and rush into his sympathetic and waiting arms.

I wonder…could it be that she intentionally escalated the disagreement to give herself an excuse for seeking consolation from her friend? Perhaps she is not yet that advanced in her hard-heartedness, but it would certainly speak well of your work (not to mention my little contributions to the effort) if that were the case.

At any rate, your patient should continue to brood about the unkind things her husband said (with the most vicious interpretation possible in regard to the content and tone). This should be immediately followed by thoughts of the tender, attentive way she is treated by Lance. If only she realized how unkind and boorish is his typical behavior at home! Perhaps, deep down, she does. Humans have a remarkable capacity for suppressing the Enemy’s warnings and for deceiving themselves.

Lance, no doubt, will be eager to “minister” to his friend and offer her “spiritual guidance.” It is an amusing game at times, is it not, Sulphino?

Your affectionate cousin,
Squirmtrap

~~~~~~~

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Sulphino” Sulphino@wormneverdies.org
Subject: A Matter of Concern

My Dear Sulphino,

I had not intended to write again so soon, but I have been informed of a disturbing development. It is clear that the Enemy has been working behind the scenes to undermine your efforts. Odd that you did not mention this thing yourself in our recent correspondence. An oversight, no doubt. Only keep in mind, my dear cousin, that Our Father Below keeps a close eye on his servants. It is not to your advantage to relate only your successes while leaving your failures unmentioned. Enough said on that point.

The difficulty is that your patient has apparently begun to make a habit of praying.

I don’t mean that she has a growing desire to pray–I mean that she is praying despite of her lack of desire. It means that she is attempting to obey the Enemy’s requirement that his followers walk by faith, not by sight. Only a fool would do so, of course—but we have known all along that the Enemy’s followers are fools, have we not?

Still, all is not yet lost. If your patient spends a good deal of time praying about and for this fellow Lance, she may end up using prayer merely as a pretext for “sanctified fantasizing.” Perhaps she is praying that her feelings for him would be taken away, even as she relishes wallowing in those feelings. Rather disgusting, but far safer than if she were to turn her thoughts and words away from Lance and toward the Enemy.

You must ensure, above all, that she does not begin using the Enemy’s words during her prayers. It seems rather vain for the Enemy to delight in hearing His own words offered back to Him, but He responds to that sort of thing. Fortunately, our research indicates that most of His followers spend precious little time praying, much less thinking about what sort of prayer pleases the One to whom they offer it.

That great tempter Brinerot always warned his trainees about a particular collection of the Enemy’s words called the Psalms, which contain the full range of horrid human emotions from joy to terror to thanksgiving to anguish. Brinerot recalls fearful times in human history when the Enemy’s servants would chant and sing those awful words with one voice, causing our very gates to shudder and creak.

Fortunately, that sort of thing has fallen out of favor through the years. There are, of course, places here and there where it is still practiced, but for the most part the Psalms have been dropped in favor of other sung prayers. I must say, the gatheringof the Enemy’s troops is rendered rather less fearful when they are crooning about gazing tenderly into the eyes of the Savior, rather than singing and shouting “The LORD is the great God, and the great King above all gods.”

Hateful and fearful, that sort of thing. But I digress.

The long and short of it is that if you cannot keep your patient off her knees, let her prayers be rambling, self-centered, and full of discontent—just like her abysmal poetry.

Your affectionate cousin,
Squirmtrap