Bitternell #6: Theology E-List

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Bitternell” Bitternell@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Theology E-List

My Dear Bitternell,

I gather you are distressed because your patient has joined an online theological discussion group. You fear, perhaps, that his participation will foster a sense of community with other servants of the Enemy as well as providing him with indoctrination in the Enemy’s cause—spiritual nourishment, I believe they call it.

Nothing could be further from the truth, my dear nephew.

While it is indeed possible for these online  forums to strengthen the Enemy’s troops, there is also great potential for doing them harm. The opportunities for spreading twisted distortions and bizarre variations of the Enemy’s teachings, for offending fellow servants of the Enemy, and most of all, for multiplying rancor as bitter discussions spill onto various blogs—oh, the possibilities! (You are familiar with the term “blog,” I hope. A Luciferian can not afford to be a Luddite as well.)

In addition, your patient can be encouraged to view these online “spiritual excursions” as an acceptable substitute for gathering in the presence of the Enemy each week. But take care that he does not mention this reasoning to the zealot Nate. No doubt the zealot would be quick to show your patient his faulty reasoning—that attending a dinner at someone’s home and engaging in an e-mail discussion about said dinner are two different matters entirely.

I look forward to hearing your plans for exploiting this new pursuit.

Your affectionate uncle,
Squirmtrap
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From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Bitternell” Bitternell@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Re: Theology E-List

My Dear Bitternell,

I see that you have not kept up with current trends in technology quite so well as you might have. Can it really be that you have not yet obtained a computer? You are rather imposing on Scuttlebite by constantly popping in to use his. May I suggest you procure your own immediately? I would also suggest choosing one with the Windows operating system. It was designed by some of our own people and is very likely the most significant catalyst for spontaneous profanity in existence. But I digress.

The first step in using your patient’s new online theological discussion group to full advantage is to plant the idea of his creating an anonymous username. This will likely result in far more unreasonable and hysterical conduct than he might otherwise engage in if using his real name. Doctrinedude or 4Truth4Evr would do nicely, I think.

As for his participation in the group: remember that not all theological debate is helpful to Our Father Below. The Enemy says, “Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Therefore, you will need to see to it that your patient goes about this in the proper way. For example, he should take whatever is written by fellow list members out of context and interpret it in the worst possible light.

At first he may be permitted use those ridiculous so-called “emoticons” (such as the smiling or winking face). But at some point he should be weaned off them, lest they have the effect of making his rebuttals and disagreements seem less harsh and impersonal.

Despite his being a relatively new convert to the Enemy’s cause, he should be given an overinflated sense of his own maturity and wisdom. If possible, he should be encouraged to think of himself as a modern day Athanasius, standing alone for truth against the entire world—including (and especially) fellow servants of the Enemy. “Too many Athanasii spoil the Bread and Wine,” as we old-timers are fond of saying.

Restraint in posting is to be avoided at all costs. As the Enemy also says: “In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” It is best if your patient regularly responds to those with whom he disagrees immediately after reading their posts (or better yet, after only a quick skim), lest he have time to reflect on what they are truly saying or, even worse, take time to craft a careful and charitable response. Impatience and escalation should be the guiding principles.

One final note: try to keep your patient at his computer as long as possible each day. The many hours spent without interacting with those around him—whether friends, family, or neighbors—can only be good for our cause.

TTFN (please ask Scuttlebite if you are unfamiliar with this acronym).

Your affectionate uncle,
Squirmtrap

Sulphino #5 & 6: Angry Husband

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Sulphino” Sulphino@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Re: Angry Husband

My Dear Sulphino,

Wonderful news, indeed! So your patient’s husband lost his temper (what delicate phrases the human fools invent to make their offenses against the Enemy seem more innocuous), said some rather unpleasant things to his wife, and left the house in a huff. It’s just the sort of thing that would make your patient call up that fellow Lance and rush into his sympathetic and waiting arms.

I wonder…could it be that she intentionally escalated the disagreement to give herself an excuse for seeking consolation from her friend? Perhaps she is not yet that advanced in her hard-heartedness, but it would certainly speak well of your work (not to mention my little contributions to the effort) if that were the case.

At any rate, your patient should continue to brood about the unkind things her husband said (with the most vicious interpretation possible in regard to the content and tone). This should be immediately followed by thoughts of the tender, attentive way she is treated by Lance. If only she realized how unkind and boorish is his typical behavior at home! Perhaps, deep down, she does. Humans have a remarkable capacity for suppressing the Enemy’s warnings and for deceiving themselves.

Lance, no doubt, will be eager to “minister” to his friend and offer her “spiritual guidance.” It is an amusing game at times, is it not, Sulphino?

Your affectionate cousin,
Squirmtrap

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From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Sulphino” Sulphino@wormneverdies.org
Subject: A Matter of Concern

My Dear Sulphino,

I had not intended to write again so soon, but I have been informed of a disturbing development. It is clear that the Enemy has been working behind the scenes to undermine your efforts. Odd that you did not mention this thing yourself in our recent correspondence. An oversight, no doubt. Only keep in mind, my dear cousin, that Our Father Below keeps a close eye on his servants. It is not to your advantage to relate only your successes while leaving your failures unmentioned. Enough said on that point.

The difficulty is that your patient has apparently begun to make a habit of praying.

I don’t mean that she has a growing desire to pray–I mean that she is praying despite of her lack of desire. It means that she is attempting to obey the Enemy’s requirement that his followers walk by faith, not by sight. Only a fool would do so, of course—but we have known all along that the Enemy’s followers are fools, have we not?

Still, all is not yet lost. If your patient spends a good deal of time praying about and for this fellow Lance, she may end up using prayer merely as a pretext for “sanctified fantasizing.” Perhaps she is praying that her feelings for him would be taken away, even as she relishes wallowing in those feelings. Rather disgusting, but far safer than if she were to turn her thoughts and words away from Lance and toward the Enemy.

You must ensure, above all, that she does not begin using the Enemy’s words during her prayers. It seems rather vain for the Enemy to delight in hearing His own words offered back to Him, but He responds to that sort of thing. Fortunately, our research indicates that most of His followers spend precious little time praying, much less thinking about what sort of prayer pleases the One to whom they offer it.

That great tempter Brinerot always warned his trainees about a particular collection of the Enemy’s words called the Psalms, which contain the full range of horrid human emotions from joy to terror to thanksgiving to anguish. Brinerot recalls fearful times in human history when the Enemy’s servants would chant and sing those awful words with one voice, causing our very gates to shudder and creak.

Fortunately, that sort of thing has fallen out of favor through the years. There are, of course, places here and there where it is still practiced, but for the most part the Psalms have been dropped in favor of other sung prayers. I must say, the gatheringof the Enemy’s troops is rendered rather less fearful when they are crooning about gazing tenderly into the eyes of the Savior, rather than singing and shouting “The LORD is the great God, and the great King above all gods.”

Hateful and fearful, that sort of thing. But I digress.

The long and short of it is that if you cannot keep your patient off her knees, let her prayers be rambling, self-centered, and full of discontent—just like her abysmal poetry.

Your affectionate cousin,
Squirmtrap