From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Sulphino” Sulphino@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Patient’s New Spiritual Advisor

My Dear Sulphino,

Interesting. Very interesting, indeed. Your patient has found a friend from church who is willing to offer sympathy, encouragement, and advice about your patient’s marital woes—and has promised to pray about her situation. Pardon me if I don’t share your concern.

I realize that, as higher spiritual beings, we are not given to irrational passions that so often consume the pathetic human race. But, really, my dear cousin, you are not a complete novice; I should think you would have begun capitalizing on this development instead of lamenting it.

Don’t you see…this friendly and compassionate ear is attached to a human male. And not just any male—but one who is near your patient’s age, not unpleasant to look upon (as I am given to understand. I’m afraid I find all human vermin equally disgusting), and, most importantly, one who is experiencing difficulties in his own marriage. Your patient has all but handed you a spike on which to skewer her soul!

The occasional phone calls and e-mails (and especially the quick hand-squeezes of support in the church hallways) are most certainly to be encouraged. At times it is difficult for us to get a firm foothold in a Christian marriage except by some pious pretext. Yet once the foothold is managed, it is fairly easy to progress quickly toward unfaithfulness. More marriages are lost to piety than pornography, my dear cousin. (An overstatement, of course, but I’m sure you see the point).

When seeking consolation and “spiritual encouragement” from this man, your patient must be kept blind to her real motives. This should be fairly easy, since she will not be overly eager to examine them.

If all goes well, your patient will begin to compare her new friend (Lance, I believe, is the creature’s name) with her husband. It is important that she compare a blurry, unfocused, romantic image of Lance with the starkly realistic one of her  husband. Consider using the typical scene of her husband in t-shirt and sweat pants, feet on the coffee table, shouting at one of his children to “Shut your trap so Daddy can hear the game!”

I trust you will not let this marvelous opportunity go unexploited.

Your affectionate cousin,
Squirmtrap