Bitternell #5: A Day with the Zealot

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Bitternell” Bitternell@wormneverdies.org
cc: “Lucifer” Lucifer@wormneverdiesorg
Subject: A Day with the Zealot

My Dear Bitternell,

No doubt you are uncomfortably aware that this week won’t be remembered as one of your finest. Is it really possible that you not only allowed your patient to get a day off work (which means one day less of influence by the agreeably diabolical Dr. Snyder), but that he spent the day not in revelry or idleness, but in the company of the zealot, Nate? Our Father Below will be most displeased. I have no choice to report it, you understand.

I realize  you could not help Dr. Snyder’s being invited to participate in the annual Atheist Golf Tournament. (I must speak to Gallpit about using Dr. Snyder’s talents in a more productive manner. Though the event’s goal is to raise money and awareness for the removal of religious belief from public policy matters, I sense that the Enemy is amused rather than alarmed by their efforts.)

But back to your patient’s day….recall the Enemy’s words: “He who walks with the wise will be wise, but the companion of fools suffers harm.” Though I would hardly put this Nate on par with the terrible Lady Wisdom, yet he does attempt to follow the Enemy and has a great desire to do so better. (It is an inexplicable and foolish weakness of the Enemy that He takes delight in the clumsy and pathetic efforts of His followers to serve Him. Our Father Below understands that good results are obtained by perfectionism, not pampering. The Enemy seems to have forgotten His own words on the subject: “He who pampers his slave from childhood will in the end find him to be a son.” Scuttlebite thinks that is His intention, but I find it difficult to believe that the Enemy would really prefer the inconvenience and care of a host of sons and daughters to the cheap and satisfying service of slaves.)

Your patient is not yet far enough along in his indoctrination by Dr. Snyder to be much of an “evil” influence on Nate. Therefore, I am sorry to say, the zealot seems to have influenced your patient instead. Let us review the events of the day. (You, of course, remember them quite vividly, but this e-mail also serves as a progress report to Our Father Below, who is being cc’d).

The first sign of trouble was when Nate, after picking up your patient from his dorm, suggested they pause and pray before venturing out. Why the Enemy would trouble Himself with a keeping couple of insignificant youths out of trouble when surely He has more important things to do is anyone’s guess. And yet it appears that the Enemy does listen and answer, even when the supplicants are not aware of it.

Their first stop was a coffee and pastry shop not far from campus where the zealot Nate once again insisted upon calling on the Name of the Enemy—giving thanks or “saying grace,” I believe it is called. Your patient at least had the intelligence to be quite embarrassed at bowing his head in the middle of a busy eating establishment while Nate muttered his prayer.

I should mention here that there are two schools of thought on the subject of praying in public before meals. Some of our scholars agree that this practice is to be encouraged. Recall that the Enemy exhorts His followers to pray in private, not to be seen by men. If one’s patient can begin to take pride in these little demonstrations—the louder and longer the prayer, the better—it can be a useful tool in the tempter’s arsenal. Others, however, say the Enemy is never more powerfully present than in a thankful heart. They suggest it can be dangerous for humans to be continually reminded that all they have comes from the hand of the Enemy—and to thank Him for it. If these public prayers are brief and unostentatious, yet unabashed, they may do more harm than good to the cause of Our Father Below. Simply keep in mind, as I have mentioned in our previous correspondence, that we should never engage in a one-size-fits-all approach. You must take into consideration your patient’s temperament and circumstances in deciding whether to encourage or discourage this practice.

As they finished their meal, they considered stopping by a bookstore, where Nate intended to recommend some “good spiritual reading” for your patient’s “edification.” It is easy to understand, I suppose, how a junior tempter such as yourself may have panicked at hearing this. But I’m sure you would agree now that causing a minor car accident outside the coffee shop was a bit desperate on your part. I realize your motive was to turn their attention to something other than plans for spiritual reading. What resulted, as I think you know, was far worse.

It turned out the driver of the car was an elderly woman–a widow whose health has been in decline of late and who has few friends or family in the area. Your patient and Nate rushed out to help her. I believe the parking meter she collided with suffered far more damage than her person, but they decided to see her home, nevertheless. They ended up spending the rest of the morning there, doing odd jobs for her around the house and staying for a lunch, to the old woman’s utter delight. If this weren’t bad enough, they have promised to stop by once a week to visit and help out in whatever way they can.

Ah, Bitternell, Bitternell! How much better it would have been for your patient to go to the bookstore. No doubt any book purchased would have sat untouched on his bedside table, since he is not much of a reader at this point. You recall, of course, that the Enemy has said: “Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress…” Enough said.

The rest of the day included other relatively harmless activities which neither helped nor hindered the cause of Our Father Below. But at the end of the day, Nate elicited a promise from your patient that he would make every effort to get off work the following Sunday and attend worship with him. I cannot emphasize enough that you should see to it that this does not happen.

You have your work cut out for you, my dear nephew, to undo the damage that occurred on your watch. I’m sure you will work tirelessly to do so. Our Father Below expects nothing less.

Your affectionate uncle,
Squirmtrap

Sulphino #4: Patient’s New Spiritual Advisor

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Sulphino” Sulphino@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Patient’s New Spiritual Advisor

My Dear Sulphino,

Interesting. Very interesting, indeed. Your patient has found a friend from church who is willing to offer sympathy, encouragement, and advice about your patient’s marital woes—and has promised to pray about her situation. Pardon me if I don’t share your concern.

I realize that, as higher spiritual beings, we are not given to irrational passions that so often consume the pathetic human race. But, really, my dear cousin, you are not a complete novice; I should think you would have begun capitalizing on this development instead of lamenting it.

Don’t you see…this friendly and compassionate ear is attached to a human male. And not just any male—but one who is near your patient’s age, not unpleasant to look upon (as I am given to understand. I’m afraid I find all human vermin equally disgusting), and, most importantly, one who is experiencing difficulties in his own marriage. Your patient has all but handed you a spike on which to skewer her soul!

The occasional phone calls and e-mails (and especially the quick hand-squeezes of support in the church hallways) are most certainly to be encouraged. At times it is difficult for us to get a firm foothold in a Christian marriage except by some pious pretext. Yet once the foothold is managed, it is fairly easy to progress quickly toward unfaithfulness. More marriages are lost to piety than pornography, my dear cousin. (An overstatement, of course, but I’m sure you see the point).

When seeking consolation and “spiritual encouragement” from this man, your patient must be kept blind to her real motives. This should be fairly easy, since she will not be overly eager to examine them.

If all goes well, your patient will begin to compare her new friend (Lance, I believe, is the creature’s name) with her husband. It is important that she compare a blurry, unfocused, romantic image of Lance with the starkly realistic one of her  husband. Consider using the typical scene of her husband in t-shirt and sweat pants, feet on the coffee table, shouting at one of his children to “Shut your trap so Daddy can hear the game!”

I trust you will not let this marvelous opportunity go unexploited.

Your affectionate cousin,
Squirmtrap