From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Bitternell” Bitternell@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Church Attendance

My Dear Bitternell,

Your patient’s “de-indoctrination” is proceeding nicely. As for his oversleeping and missing a biology exam…I am glad you were so amused by his distress, but I must say, your interfering with his alarm clock was somewhat pedestrian. Remember that if this sort of thing happens often, it may inspire him to clear out his schedule to allow more time for rest. In that case, his part-time job would likely be the first thing to go. Quitting his job would not only enable him to attend the Enemy’s weekly meeting with His followers, but remove your patient from Dr. Snyder’s influence. Please don’t overdo it.

There is another matter…something must be done about a fellow student and zealot, Nate, I believe he is called, who has made a number of unsuccessful attempts to bring your patient back into the insidious influence of the “Campus Christians.”

I must remember to commend Slugtrail, who is in charge of that young zealot. Nate was about to call your patient and invite him to church when Slugtrail, thinking quickly, diverted him. He planted the idea in Nate’s head to take some time first to help his roommate with an essay. Not only did Nate forget his earlier resolution to call your patient, but he succeeded in greatly annoying his roommate. They are both quite vain when it comes to assessing their scholastic skills, and Nate’s frequent attempts to tutor is one of his roommate’s pet peeves.

The Enemy, of course, will be working to ensure that the zealot eventually makes contact, so I suggest you develop a list of excuses your patient can offer as to why he cannot attend church. I’ve listed a few examples below:

▪   “I’d like to come, but my heart isn’t right. I need to work out some issues first.”

Ordinarily we don’t want patients to dwell on what the Enemy calls “sin,” but such meditations can be used to good effect at times. Make the patient think he must somehow cleanse himself inwardly before coming into the presence of the Enemy, rather than coming to the Enemy in order to be cleansed. This sort of thinking has other useful applications, such as keeping a patient from participating in the so-called Eucharist (that revolting, frightening, and inexplicable rite), or from doing other works on behalf of the Enemy.

▪   “I can pray and read the Bible on my own at home just as easily as church.”

You know as well as I that only one out of a hundred who express this sentiment will actually follow through and do it. But far better that the humans be scattered about, offering their individual prayers at home, if it means they neglect gathering together as the Bride—terrible as an army with banners. You and I, my dear nephew, can see what these idiot humans cannot: that when they gather, as the Enemy has commanded, He meets with them, offering rest, nourishment, and weapons for the fight. He has chosen, for reasons we cannot fathom, to allow them to enter into his heavenly counsel room during such assemblies, that they may rule with Him (for the time being, Bitternell, for the time being) and offer their supplications on behalf of the rest of the wretched world. Allow them to read their Bibles or pray at home, if you must. But keep them, at all cost, from assembling and becoming as one.

▪   “I haven’t found a church I really like.”

Those silly human creatures have somehow come to think that the important thing is to like their fellow church members, when what the Enemy requires is that they love them. If they are always on the search for a group that perfectly suits all of their tastes, whims, prejudices, and convictions, they will be ever kept on the move. A plant continually pulled from the soil and transplanted will never develop strong, deep roots. Such a plant will be especially vulnerable to drought, disease, and strong winds. So should our patients be.

Your affectionate uncle,
Squirmtrap