Bitternell #4: Church Attendance

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Bitternell” Bitternell@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Church Attendance

My Dear Bitternell,

Your patient’s “de-indoctrination” is proceeding nicely. As for his oversleeping and missing a biology exam…I am glad you were so amused by his distress, but I must say, your interfering with his alarm clock was somewhat pedestrian. Remember that if this sort of thing happens often, it may inspire him to clear out his schedule to allow more time for rest. In that case, his part-time job would likely be the first thing to go. Quitting his job would not only enable him to attend the Enemy’s weekly meeting with His followers, but remove your patient from Dr. Snyder’s influence. Please don’t overdo it.

There is another matter…something must be done about a fellow student and zealot, Nate, I believe he is called, who has made a number of unsuccessful attempts to bring your patient back into the insidious influence of the “Campus Christians.”

I must remember to commend Slugtrail, who is in charge of that young zealot. Nate was about to call your patient and invite him to church when Slugtrail, thinking quickly, diverted him. He planted the idea in Nate’s head to take some time first to help his roommate with an essay. Not only did Nate forget his earlier resolution to call your patient, but he succeeded in greatly annoying his roommate. They are both quite vain when it comes to assessing their scholastic skills, and Nate’s frequent attempts to tutor is one of his roommate’s pet peeves.

The Enemy, of course, will be working to ensure that the zealot eventually makes contact, so I suggest you develop a list of excuses your patient can offer as to why he cannot attend church. I’ve listed a few examples below:

▪   “I’d like to come, but my heart isn’t right. I need to work out some issues first.”

Ordinarily we don’t want patients to dwell on what the Enemy calls “sin,” but such meditations can be used to good effect at times. Make the patient think he must somehow cleanse himself inwardly before coming into the presence of the Enemy, rather than coming to the Enemy in order to be cleansed. This sort of thinking has other useful applications, such as keeping a patient from participating in the so-called Eucharist (that revolting, frightening, and inexplicable rite), or from doing other works on behalf of the Enemy.

▪   “I can pray and read the Bible on my own at home just as easily as church.”

You know as well as I that only one out of a hundred who express this sentiment will actually follow through and do it. But far better that the humans be scattered about, offering their individual prayers at home, if it means they neglect gathering together as the Bride—terrible as an army with banners. You and I, my dear nephew, can see what these idiot humans cannot: that when they gather, as the Enemy has commanded, He meets with them, offering rest, nourishment, and weapons for the fight. He has chosen, for reasons we cannot fathom, to allow them to enter into his heavenly counsel room during such assemblies, that they may rule with Him (for the time being, Bitternell, for the time being) and offer their supplications on behalf of the rest of the wretched world. Allow them to read their Bibles or pray at home, if you must. But keep them, at all cost, from assembling and becoming as one.

▪   “I haven’t found a church I really like.”

Those silly human creatures have somehow come to think that the important thing is to like their fellow church members, when what the Enemy requires is that they love them. If they are always on the search for a group that perfectly suits all of their tastes, whims, prejudices, and convictions, they will be ever kept on the move. A plant continually pulled from the soil and transplanted will never develop strong, deep roots. Such a plant will be especially vulnerable to drought, disease, and strong winds. So should our patients be.

Your affectionate uncle,
Squirmtrap

Sulphino #3: Marital Conflicts

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Sulphino” Sulphino@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Re: Marital Conflicts

My Dear Sulphino,

That was quite a row between your patient and her husband. Delightful! It was so spectacular, in fact, that I’m afraid it momentarily distracted Glimewad from his duties with the neighbor across street. Fortunately, that particular neighbor is given to spying and eavesdropping and was enjoying the event as well, so no real harm done.

And to think your patient and her husband practically came to blows over who left the light on in the upstairs bathroom! Ah, these silly humans like to think themselves high-minded and noble and scrupulous for truth when they are likely as not arguing over some trifling matter. Even when they realize this mid-argument, they feel as though they must continue for the principle of the thing (it’s what they tell themselves, at any rate).

It would have been much easier on your patient’s marriage—not to mention her vocal cords—if she had simply flipped off the lights and went about her business. Humans so often prefer the more difficult route—unless, of course, it requires self-sacrifice. At times they do our job more effectively than we do, eh, Sulphino?

Please don’t think, however, that you may bask in your victory for long. As with the lost-temper incident with her child, you don’t want your patient to listen to the Enemy’s urgings to humble herself and admit her fault in escalating the incident. Her thoughts must dwell on her husband’s faults–and they are many, to be sure. It would have been just as easy for her husband to acknowledge his forgetfulness, flip off the lights, and drop the subject when confronted. How much better for us, is it not, that instead he rolled his eyes and muttered, “I guess we’ll have to give up that vacation this year since we just spent an extra 20 cents on electricity.”

These are the sorts of remarks that should be swirling about in your patient’s mind. If you are unable to keep her from praying about the conflict, her focus should be on asking the Enemy to change her husband’s disagreeable behavior, not her own.

You would also be well-advised to coax to life the little spark of resentment she has recently begun to feel about being in charge of household tasks. That article from a women’s magazine passed along to her by her neighbor (“Are You Oppressed?”) did a fine job of sowing the seeds of discontent.

Amusing, is it not, that in places where oppression of women actually occurs one is least likely to hear about it. The parts of the world where “women’s oppression” is decried the loudest tend to be, more likely than not, where oppression is defined as having to unload the dishwasher.

An Enemy soldier once said:

“The common notion of equality is based on the image of the march. In a parade, really unequal beings are dressed alike, given guns of identical length, trained to hold them at the same angle, and ordered to keep step with a fixed beat. But it is not the parade that is true to life; it is the dance. There you have real equals assigned unequal roles in order that each may achieve his individual perfection in the whole. Nothing is less personal than a parade; nothing more so than a dance. It is the choice image of fulfillment through function, and it comes very close to the heart of the Trinity. Marriage is a hierarchical game played by co-equal persons. Keep that paradox and you move in the freedom of the Dance; alter it, and you grow weary with marching.”

Keep this in mind when attempting to stir up your patient’s unhappiness with her role. Of course, your patient is correct that her husband ought to help out more around the house and appreciate her contributions. But by all means, let us keep her from enjoying the “dance.”

Your affectionate cousin,
Squirmtrap

Bitternell #3: Philosophical Discussion

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Bitternell” Bitternell@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Re: Philosophical Discussion

My Dear Bitternell,

Your last correspondence was gratifying. I am delighted to learn that not only does your patient now have a job as Dr. Snyder’s assistant that will keep him quite busy, but that the professor has shown an interest in un-indoctrinating his young helper.

It is fortunate that one of the young zealots stopped by the office for a brief chat with your patient—and that their visit was overheard by Dr. Snyder. Their exchange was long enough to alert the professor that his new employee has been fraternizing with Christians, but not long enough to do any real harm (i.e. the zealot making inquiries as to whether your patient has been attending church, etc.).

You mentioned with some alarm that Dr. Snyder has been encouraging your patient to discuss philosophy and theology. Not to worry, my dear nephew. The sincere pursuit of knowledge will, of course, eventually lead the searcher to the Truth, as the Enemy is wont to call Himself. (It is truly repulsive, the way in which the Enemy so freely offers wisdom to any who seeks it. How can that but cheapen its value?)

And yet a merely academic, impersonal interest in theology or philosophy may be no more troublesome to our efforts than an interest in stamp-collecting or photography. Less troublesome, in fact, since those sorts of pursuits tend to take the patient outside himself. The Enemy, in his vanity, has imprinted Himself upon all His wretched creation. More than one human has unintentionally stumbled into the Enemy’s camp after marveling at the intricate structure of a crystal or observing the thunderous force of a mountain waterfall.

No, we have much less to fear from the disinterested dabbler in theology (such as Dr. Snyder) who would just as soon his philosophical wanderings not lead him to any particular destination. A fine influence for your patient, indeed.

Try, if you can, to give your patient a fondness for discussions that start out with such phrases as “I like to think of God as…” Quite creative and amusing, some of the gods those foolish humans invent. At those times, your best course of action is simply to sit back and enjoy.

Your affectionate uncle,
Squirmtrap