Sulphino #2: Poetry

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Sulphino” Sulphino@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Poetry

My Dear Sulphino,

So your patient has taken up poetry. You inquired as to whether this interest should be encouraged or not. It depends, my dear cousin, it depends.

On one hand, activities and pursuits that inspire your patient to observe more carefully and appreciate the world around her are usually to be avoided. If her awkward verse (I read the sample you included…dreadful) helps turn her thoughts toward the Enemy and His creation, you would do well to divert her attention to other pursuits. Perhaps you could put the idea into her head to begin watching more television to gather writing material. One of those “bare-it-all” talk shows would be ideal, but at this point it’s unlikely your patient would select that sort of program. You may have to settle for the news. At the very least, its tendency to focus on crime, accidents, political shenanigans, and “natural” disasters often has the benefit of depressing the viewer. If bombarded with this sort of thing day after day, your patient may even develop a vague sense of uneasiness about whether the Enemy truly is in control of His creation. One must be careful…some patients may be driven to more frequent prayer. Others, however, may be successfully manipulated into developing an increasingly skewed perspective of life—seeing the world not as a gift, as the Enemy intended, but as a horror—a haven for predators and hucksters; a place of danger and pain; fragile and unstable, ever on the verge of annihilation. Ah, such delightful paranoia! It is then only a small step to convince such patients that the Enemy (if, they wonder, He exists at all) resembles mighty Zeus—-vengeful, capricious, and all in all, much too powerful for his own good. (Not altogether an inaccurate view of the Enemy, eh, Sulphino?)

But back to the matter at hand…If your patient’s poem-writing leads her to spend an inordinate amount of time wallowing in her own emotions, it may be best not to discourage it. Even better if she begins to take undue pride in her attempts.

Please note: I said undue pride. Being pleased or even proud of her work will not, in and of itself, cause her any harm. The Enemy Himself declared His own work “good” (we know, of course, that He is the very picture of vanity and self-absorption so often mistakenly attributed to Our Father Below). Your patient’s pleasure must not come from the writing itself or from the subject matter, but from being recognized (more specifically, envied) for her writing accomplishments.

Of course, given the quality of your patient’s verse, it’s rather unlikely that publication is on the horizon. At this point, the only writing for which she has received any sort of recognition was an essay entitled “What Parker’s Pinto Beans Mean to Me.”

See if you can’t help her out a bit, will you, Sulphino? Her current poem, “Traveling the Road to Regret,” needs much work if it is ever going to excite envy. You needn’t worry about rhyme or meter, incidentally. Order and structure are often held in disdain among the human “creative types.” A wailing and whining in free verse may be just the sort thing to get her published—not to mention its potential value in stirring up discontent with her own life.

Your affectionate cousin,
Squirmtrap

Bitternell #2: Busy Schedule

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Bitternell” Bitternell@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Re: Busy Schedule

My Dear Bitternell,

Regarding your last e-mail…yes, I am aware that my suggestion to keep your patient’s schedule full is precisely the opposite advice I gave you about a previous patient.

If you will remember, your former patient was given to fits of intense melancholy. It was my opinion that if he were faced with long periods of solitude and inactivity, he would likely spend it in maudlin introspection, brooding, and eventually, despair. I was correct in my assessment. Your patient made an unsuccessful attempt to take his own life and then spent the next several months growing increasingly bitter (a fitting reminder of your worthy name, dear nephew). I should think that given my track record, you would have developed some confidence in my ability to advise you effectively.

Your current patient is decidedly not of the melancholy temperament. He is, in my opinion, rather too cheerful and optimistic. There is a danger that his moments of introspection would veer dangerously close to happiness, then gratitude—reminding him that gratitude makes sense only if there is Someone to whom he should be grateful. This could end in prayers of thanksgiving and praise to the Enemy…no, no, no—that will never do.

Your current patient should not be left alone with his own thoughts just yet. While idleness is indeed often “the devil’s playground,” (as the human vermin so vulgarly put it) I am surprised you have not learned by now that each human case is different. You’ll not make a great deal of progress in your training if you insist upon a one-size-fits-all solution for each patient. Unpredictability, adaptability, and shrewdness, my dear nephew. We are to be prowling lions, not yawning housecats.

Further, I was disturbed to learn that your patient was reading the Enemy’s letters before bed yesterday. Clearly he is not exhausted enough at the end of the day. I certainly hope, for your sake, that I will soon hear news of your patient’s employment with Dr. Snyder.

Your affectionate uncle,
Squirmtrap

Sulphino #1: Anger and Regret

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Sulphino” Sulphino@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Re: Anger

My Dear Sulphino,

A word of encouragement and a word of warning.

First, allow me to congratulate you on the little incident yesterday when your patient became annoyed and impatient with her young child. While the chipped plate that resulted after she slammed it onto the counter may not be a significant boon to Our Father Below, the angry words that sprang from her lips were, indeed.

Of course, you must be on guard for the possibility that the patient, upon later reflection, will regret her behavior and repent of it. The former is of no particular danger without the latter. Regret by itself, in fact, can be rather useful.

I recall a former patient of mine who became wracked with guilt over some trifling matter he felt would have displeased Our Enemy. Income tax evasion, I believe it was. Fortunately, his guilty feelings never resulted in repentance. (Humans, weak and cowardly as they are, will go to virtually any length to escape guilt–preferably without giving up the thing causing it.) The patient first tried to convince himself that he owed no duty to fund a “godless and unjust government.” His conscience was not persuaded. I decided not to waste a great deal of time helping him come up with arguments to justify his behavior. Instead, I frequently brought to his mind the penalties and shame he would likely incur if he were to confess his crime. Eventually he defected to our side and learned to suppress his guilt quite effectively.

If your patient begins to feel regret or guilt, her thoughts should center, as much as possible, on the circumstances contributing to her outburst. They need not be momentous. Perhaps her husband neglected to pay the credit card bill on time again, a thing that irritates her greatly. Perhaps her neighbor’s dog has been barking more than usual–and always when her child needs to nap. Or perhaps the weather has been too hot–or too cold–whatever the case may be. (I find it tiresome to pay attention to such frivolities of the Enemy as seasons and climate and weather. Unless, of course, it results in a disaster in which the well-worn but reliable cries of How-Could-a-Good-God-Let-Such-Things-Happen may be dusted off and used to good effect).

As a last resort, allow your patient to blame you for her tantrum. It is true that we like to remain in the background as much as possible. But your ultimate goal is to keep your patient–at all costs–from putting the blame squarely upon herself, which may result in tears, repentance, or–Lucifer-forbid–apologies to her child. A young human should never witness a parent admitting fault, as I think you are well aware. The early lessons learned of humility, repentance, restoration…I shudder to dwell on such thoughts.

I trust you have the situation well in hand and will not allow it to escalate to such a level.

Your affectionate cousin,
Squirmtrap

Bitternell #1: Back at College

From: “Squirmtrap” squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Bitternell” bitternell@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Re: Back at College

My Dear Bitternell,

I see that your patient begins his second year of college today. I rather fancy you are congratulating yourself on his returning to an environment where he will encounter numerous youths who spend a good deal of time drinking, carousing, scoffing, and other useful amusements.

I would share your gratification except for the “small” matter of his having been converted to the Enemy’s cause during his last semester of college. Believe me, my dear nephew, it pains me to bring this topic up again. I trust you have been duly chastened for failing to prevent your patient from joining the “Campus Christians” group where he was influenced by zealots–young adults who describe themselves as being “on fire for Christ.” What do they know of being on fire, eh, Bitternell?

I mention this only to remind you that you must be supremely vigilant to ensure he does not once again fall into their clutches. As the summer progressed and your patient was no longer under their influence, he fell into many of the habits he had purposed to set aside. (I congratulate you on your cleverness in encouraging him to “be responsible” and get a summer job with hours that made it difficult for him to attend church).

I caution you, however, against trying to turn him too quickly against his zealot companions. Any sudden change in his attitude may alert and alarm him, causing him to redouble his efforts to rejoin the group. Gainful employment may provide just the key. As I understand it, he is still undecided about whether to look for a part-time job. Encourage him to do so. Then see to it that he remains extraordinarily busy with his studies and his work. If he begins to feel guilty for neglecting worship for the sake of his job, remind him that he will be able to tithe more generously.

A job in the history department as an assistant to Dr. Snyder would be just the ticket, I think. Dr. Snyder is a tireless and capable warrior in the battle against our Enemy. He should have plenty of work to keep your patient busy and, I trust, provide much diabolical food for thought along the way.

Please speak with Gallpit immediately about putting the idea into Dr. Snyder’s head of hiring an assistant. Dr. Snyder requires so little intervention these days, having practically become a demon-in-training himself, that Gallpit will no doubt welcome some small project.

Your affectionate uncle,
Squirmtrap

Introduction

From: “Squirmtrap” squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Lucifer” lucifer@wormneverdies.org
Subject: Yearly Evaluation

Your Evilness,

Per your request, I am forwarding the recent e-mail correspondence between myself and my two demonic charges, Bitternell and Sulphino (as well as the Tempter Evaluation form no. 666-S). I trust you will find all in order.

Summary: